I’ve spent the last two and a half years being fucking scared of someone asking how I am.
I’ve moved around a bit and have an interesting relationship with my family, so it’s not as hard to avoid that question as you might think. You hear the phrase often but frequently it is used in a way that means “hi”, and the asker doesn’t actually expect a response. I don’t have people in my life to ask me that question for real anymore.
Some of that is not my fault, I seem to have friends that see me as a leader, so they don’t seek me out to check on my wellbeing. But some of it is my fault.
I’ve pulled away from everybody. I don’t know what to say and so I’d rather not say anything at all. I’m not a talker, I’m a deep thinker and reflector, but by not sharing I isolate myself.
My situation is difficult in multiple ways. Some people get part of it, but mix it all together and its a bit overwhelming. Trust me, I know. I know I’m unlikely to receive understanding so I don’t start.
In our household we deal with infertility and mental illness, both diseases I find to be at the top of the list of “I will have empathy for you as long as it doesn’t become uncomfortable for me”.
But I’m sick of being stuck in this box.
This box where I can’t talk about the things weighing on my mind. Where I can’t tell anyone that today was a hard day and share some of that burden. Where I can’t find support either emotionally or physically. Where being vulnerable is off the cards because it might make someone think that I’m weak.
I’m allowed to be weak. I’m allowed to need picking up once in a while. I’m allowed to interrupt people’s lives and I’m allowed to expect to have friendships where sometimes I need to be carried and refilled.
I’m allowed to tell the world who I am and what I feel.
I’m so tired of hiding, waiting for the day things get better. Life can’t improve if I dont take risks, life can’t change if I’m stuck in a cycle of wishing someone would ask me how I am, but being too scared to tell the truth.
I owe it to myself, and I owe it to everyone else who is hiding.
I don’t want to be scared anymore.