Category Archives: IVF

Maybe, Maybe Not

I haven’t been much fun to be around lately.

It all came to a head a few days ago when a work thing was going wrong. My response was rage. Not shouting or throwing things or beating my bed with my fists and feet (as much as I wanted to). Just silent anger, simmering beneath the surface.

Completely throwing off-balance my marriage.

It’s difficult because my ability to cope directly affects my husbands ability to cope. My rage throws him into turmoil, which throws me deeper into turmoil. I have to be the strong one, but it’s really hard to keep two people afloat when you’re struggling on your own.

I know I can’t always be the rock, but I don’t want to be that angry person. I don’t want to be the person who is one thread away from snapping all the time. I grew up in an angry house and I don’t want that for us.

I know why I’m not coping. An upcoming appointment – the make or break one.

Can we make IVF work?

The truth is, I’m leaning towards no, which means I’m very nearly at the end.

We could maybe make it work, with cooperation, with some understanding about freezing sperm in advance. But then I stumbled across the blood test and that’s going to be a very hard brick wall.  We may come unstuck over a blood test.

I know the reality behind it. It’s not the needles he fears but it’s a build up of trauma, bad experiences, feeling powerless, strangers, feeling unsafe, unknown environments. It’s not a blood test it’s Everest. I can understand this but people who don’t live with the effects of mental illness every day can’t fathom it.

And this is more stress added to a stressful situation, because I have to go in every time and defend my husband. He’s a good man, he loves so completely, he would be a good dad. He deserves this. But he’s used to be put to the side because he doesn’t fit in the box and that is what things like World Mental Health Day and all of this inclusiveness doesn’t address. If you can’t go to the Doctor, tough. If you need heavy medication and need to see a psychiatrist, but you physically can’t go because of your mental health, you are stuck. The sickness keeps you sick.

I went off on a tangent, but what I mean to say is, I have to go in there and fight for my husbands medical needs to be accepted as medical needs. Mostly, they don’t seem to be recognised as such.

Not only all that, but additional information about our fertility is looming. My husbands SA – how fertile is he? My AMH, how fertile am I going forward? Worst case scenario, we could walk away with no further options and our hopes of a maybe-someday-miracle-if-we’re-lucky dashed. Its Schrodinger’s Cat: I’m simultaneously living in a world we have options for having kids, and one where we have none. 

It’s no wonder I’m losing the plot!

My husband says that we’ll end up on a lifestyle block with another little dog (my arms ache to carry something) and he’s sure we can be happy together, just us. It’s not so bad. And I nod my head and smile and I want that to be true so badly. I want us to be enough but I don’t know if I can do it.

Advertisements

The one about… IVF!???

Nothing has changed but everything has changed.

Last week we were driving along and my husband was becoming increasing anxious. He had been internalising some worries about my next appointment because he was concerned that there could be a possibility for more surgery.

I don’t think I’d mentioned anything to him, but I guess he hadn’t quite processed that there was little to no options left for us as it stood.

He’d clearly been mulling over what I’d been told before surgery last year, which was that my options were surgery or IVF. We had already written off IVF as being too much for him and so we went with surgery and he didn’t want to make that same choice again.

He thought we might be choosing IVF or surgery again.

He wanted to choose IVF.

He was telling me that he didn’t want to get 10 or 20 years in the future and be disappointed that we didn’t try.

For four years almost, we have had that as a no-go. Being that my cycles were wonky from the start, I knew we were facing fertility issues off the bat so we had these discussions early. I wanted to shelter him from any guilt so I never pushed or suggested, it’s felt like a long time of us dealing with infertility, but not being able to go through regular processes and treatments.

And so we had our first real discussion of making it work, and actually, we both think we could make this work.

My mind is blown.

I was trying to transition my brain into thinking about moving on, into not being stuck until my menopause years thinking “maybe we’ll get lucky”. I didn’t want to keep living in limbo. But I won’t lie and say that I didn’t wish this the whole time.

I know there seems to be a general idea that if men are resistant to a treatment option, eventually they’ll come around or they’ll feel guilty enough to give in. I don’t want to give that false impression – that eventually all roads lead to IVF. Men are capable of deciding what *they* are willing to go through as well, and that should be respected. Had I not respected my husbands decision all this time, we may never have got to this point. In fact, it would have been severely damaging to our relationship.

In my last post, I mentioned that we moved from saying, “when we have kids” to “if we have kids” – and then finally, to not really mentioning the possibility at all. 

This last week has been different, and it’s so hard to try and keep the hope in check. I mean, it’s good to have hope, but it’s also dangerous to let yourself go there. Not just about IVF outcomes, but also whether we do actually get to the point of gong through with it.

I’m scared of getting my hopes up and us not going through with it. I’m fucking scared of doing IVF and it not working.

I’m also scared after reading my surgery notes and realising that the Adenomyosis suggestion wasn’t just a throwaway “maybe” comment, and how that means IVF is less likely to be successful and increases risks for if I ever did get pregnant again.

So what next?

My appointment next week will be my last with my specialist, either way. But I will organise a SA for my husband and talk through some things. It will be a good test to see how my husband handles the pressure without officially starting down the IVF route.

If he’s still feeling confident, I’ll be making an appointment to get the ball rolling and get us on the public list.

If he’s still feeling confident, we will also look into doing a privately funded round.

What a week!