I’ll admit that I got my hopes up this month.
It doesn’t happen often, the strange, unexplained symptoms I have always show up on day 21, just in time to thwart any potential implantation. This cycle it came and went, and I wondered if something was different this time.
Is my body finally starting to play ball?
Then I had a dream.
In my dream, my husband found three pregnancy tests, all showing positive. But all were negative, I knew it; all were evaporation lines. My husband didn’t believe me and so I tried to convince him.
“I’m not pregnant, I’m not. I promise I’m not pregnant. I’m not pregnant, I’m not pregnant. Please don’t get your hopes up, I’m not pregnant”.
I had been to the hospital for something else and to make sure, they had done an ultrasound. I showed him the picture, my empty womb confirming my words.
I’m not pregnant.
I’m near the end of this cycle, and I’ve come to realise that I ovulated late this month. My cycle has continued along as “normal”, albeit just a few days later than usual.
I’m not pregnant, I know I’m not. I got my hopes up for once, and my subconsious tried to being me back to earth using my dream. Even when I’m sleeping my brain tries to protect me.
I’ve been having a bit of a hard time, with two friends due in the next month or two. These people got pregnant after my baby was due, and almost grown whole babies, while I’m still in the same place as two and a half years ago. It’s heartbreaking. I can’t be happy for them. I cry when I think about accidently running into one of them.
It’s Mother’s Day this Sunday… it would have been my first Mother’s Day, but instead it’s my second as a mother with no baby.
My dream had a second half too.
My husband and I were walking along; him holding that ultrasound picture. That still empty picture.
But he was grasping it, looking at it in wonder… in awe. I couldn’t understand.
And then he turned to me with tears gleaming in his eyes and said,
“I can’t believe we have a picture of where he lived”.