Wow, 2015 sped by.
I feel like I’m being fairly accurate in saying that 2015 kicked my butt. A pregnancy in January (“wow, this might be our year!”), following by a crushing miscarriage meant the year started with a great emotional roller coaster and continued that way.
It was a year of hope with starting clomid, grief, anger and sadness. It ended with the last week of 2015 finding out that two of my childhood friends (sisters) were pregnant.
With the first, I figured it out and coped well. The second told me nicely privately via Facebook and I cried. My heart has never pounded so hard. We have been trying as long as her first child has been on this earth, and now she’s on her second.
I thought I got through last year reasonably well mentally, but with the new year starting and some time to reflect, I realise I’m really struggling underneath.
I thought I was otherwise happy, but I’m not sure if I remember how to be. I can’t remember what life was like without this constant infertility highlights reel playing in my mind. It’s only one of the pretty big challenges I’m facing and none of them look to have any resolution.
I feel hopeless. I really feel like I will fall apart if another year passes like this.
But I am so scared. I need to find another doctor but it also feels like this is our last chance. My last doctor made the whole process so much worse (yes, good old 2015 strikes again!), but what if I find a new one and I still don’t get any answers? Where will I find the money for this? What if 2016 brings finality, but not in a good way?
What if things don’t get better?